4 AM I stumble to the bathroom for one of my frequent nightly visits. Pausing at the scale, I step on. I’m awake, why not? 107 stares up at me in glaring red which I can read even without my 300 strength reading glasses. A horrifying thought permeates my weakened mind. I address a remark to the scale. “Maybe I’m dying.”
Jim is out of town, doing God’s work, no doubt, without my unwavering support to bolster him. I begin to weep. As I reflect on my impending demise, my weeping escalates into heaving sobs. Anxious to share the heartbreaking news (I know how I’ll be missed), I make my way down (19 steps) backwards on all fours as is now my custom. My daughter Whitney, asleep downstairs will be devastated, I’m certain. Daughter, Natalie is in Peru.
I sink heavily “sort of” onto the side of her bed. The sobs emanating from my emaciated form are reaching decibels that would wake the dead, whose numbers will soon increase by one. Her chest continues to rise and fall as she enjoys a peaceful sleep.
Disappointed, I begin my painful trek to the kitchen, spoon instant coffee into a giant cup and add hot water. I pour a large glass of milk, gulp down a bunch of vitamins & meds and start the long process of getting up the stairs with the coffee.
I stop in my office halfway there and bring up facebook to which I rarely make a contribution, but this news really needs to be shared with my 50 or so friends, well maybe 100, some whose names don’t sound overly familiar, but I’m sure they are friends.
My fingers fly over the keyboard with my stunning announcement, this important “breaking” news.
Slowly I make my way up the remaining 8 stairs, down the coffee, and grab a legal
pad to share this story for those I will leave behind.
Later in the day:
At my computer to check e-mails. I see facebook open. Now fully awake and pretty sure I’m not going to eternal bliss today, I’m somewhat horrified by my nocturnal facebook post, even though I’m enjoying the verses and words of comfort from the very few who seemed to care one way or another. I am touched deeply by my faithful friends; somewhat small in number who seem genuinely concerned most likely for my mental state more than anything else..
I have gleaned wisdom from this small incident…….we all need to keep learning, I always say, even me. Never post in the middle of the night….or in my case at any time day or night. Apparently, I’m about the only one devastated that my razor sharp mind will not be contributing to the betterment of mankind much longer…(run-on sentence). I guess I’ll just stick around another 20 years or so. Also, don’t write on a legal pad at 4 AM and believe that it’s brilliant.
Please don’t be offended by my irreverence. I really am married to a man who is faithfully doing what God has called us to and trying to take care of me too.
I want to thank my friends who have provided me with endless prayer support, encouragement and real words of wisdom. I love you. My knees are much better after cortisone injections and I’m in much less pain.